Andy once jokingly asked me if I have a song to illustrate each different moment of my life. I do. I remember a song I like almost instantaneously and I go through life with a soundtrack playing in my head, like in the movies. Some emotion I’m experiencing or a phrase said by someone triggers it and the soundtrack starts playing. I even have songs associated with moments in my life that hasn’t happened yet or may hpefully never happen, such as getting married (The right man, Christina Aguilera) or staying in a psych ward (Lithium, Evanescence).
There’s a song I associate with leaving school and going back home, called Korabli (Ship) by the Russian singer of the 1960s and 1970s Vladimir Visotsky.
I like the guys voice, deep but with a barely audible obertone of sadness to it, and the song itself is somewhat melancholic. It reminds me of a time and place when artists cared a lot less what kind of music sells well, hence there were less boyish looking male singers and less songs about chillin’ in da club. The music and the lyrics are more personal and introspective.
My Russian’s wayyy too bad to translate all the lyrics of the song, but, basically, the guy sings of returning home ot his wife, friends and dreams. “I will finally return…, I will finally sleep” and there’s also a beautifully sad line that I can relate to: “I don’t believe in destiny and even in myself”.
I remembered this song since I’m about to go back home again, and I played it all day long. Does the man sound…tired? Or is it just me hearing my own weariness through the lyrics? In the last two and a half years I’ve traveled more than in all my life before I went to college, and sometimes…a lot of times, I feel tired. Tired of changing the place I live every few months, tired of dragging suitcases across the ocean, tired of meeting new people and never sticking around long enough to form the deep, selfless, lasting friendships. I miss having a home, though I left to start building a life of my own and a home of my own, and I’m sure will have that someday.
So I’m melancholic but excited to finally be going back home, and this time Andy will come visit and spend Christmas with me in Bulgaria. I anticipated it so much it scares me! So I play the song to soothe me and it somehow remind’s me it’s all real, and even though I don’t have a home to live in, I have a home to get back to. It’s what keeps me going through these last few days.